"Today is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap."
February 14th is the one day of the year that the world measures your success as a human being based on your relationship status. "Who?" you ask. "Who thinks like that?" I wish I knew. I've never heard anyone say that they actually believe it, but somehow we all buy into it. Someone had to start it. I think Jim Carrey's right: The greeting card companies figured out that they can feed us the belief that we're worth less because we're single. It scares people into finding a date for Valentine's Day, boosting restaurant and grocery store sales on what would otherwise be a slow Monday night in February.
By the world's standards, I've reached new heights of lameness. It's Valentines Day night. I've been home alone all day and all evening: vacuuming, watching Friends, dusting, chatting online watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, blogging, and eating my fill of things that will make me feel very sick in the morning.
My mom used to tell me that no one could make me feel any particular way without my permission. I never really believed her. The truth is, someone or something is almost always making me feel a certain way. My guard goes down, and suddenly anyone can swoop in and "make" me feel insignificant, guilty, or even unlovable. It can come from any source, in any aspect of my life.
I gave up months ago on the idea that I would only work in a field that used my degree. I like to blame the job market, especially now that I cannot even find a job outside my field. I have applied for dozens of jobs in the past few months - 30? 35? Most were jobs that I didn't really want. If I'd been hired, I would not have been all that excited to share the news.
It's funny - when we graduated high school, they told us we could be anything we wanted to be. It was far enough in the future that we believed it without having any real idea of how to get there. It seemed then like growth and success would just come naturally. When we graduated college, they convinced us that there wasn't anything we couldn't do. I wish that they'd warned us that we'd experience many more failures than successes - that failure would start to feel like the norm after a while. I wish the world told us that it's ok to have absolutely no idea what we're doing or where we're going. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like such a failure this year.
I know that sounds dramatic, but I won't lie to you. Things aren't easy. It would be easier to spend my evenings alone if I had a good job. Unemployment would be bearable (and job interviews would probably go more smoothly) if my nervous system worked properly, without aches and tremors and sleeplessness.... and nothing stops those aches and tremors like a long hug from a guy I trust. With even one of the three, I tend to feel I've regained my footing in life. Maybe, in removing all three at once, God is simply testing the limits of my trust in Him. If so, it's working. I don't buy dishwasher detergent or write a check to my doctor now without pausing to take a deep breath and remind myself that He will provide those next few dollars. My health has made it impossible lately to do anything on my own strength. Most days, I have to be in constant prayer just to be able to take a shower, cook lunch, run errands or fill out job a job application. Even so, I know I am blessed. Helplessness is probably the best thing that ever happens to most of us. It's then that we have nothing to cling to except Him. Trust could not exist without some form of fear.
I can honestly say that I trust God to take care of me when it comes to health and finances, even though I'm often afraid. He knows what he's doing. It's much harder in situations that bring to mind what I think I'm worth. I put myself down a lot today. It being one of my least favorite days of the year and all, I took my frustration out on myself. Then I tried to make amends by stuffing myself with ice cream. My fears and criticisms are usually disguised as jokes, but they really aren't funny. By insulting ourselves, aren't we basically telling him God that He didn't know what he was doing when He created us? I'm learning that my opinion of myself means very little. It's deeply flawed. The world tends to tell me I'm right, but world's opinion means even less. Only God knows just how to contradict me in a way that hits home, and His is the only word that counts for anything.
"For the LORD sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the LORD looks on the heart." - I Samuel 16:7b
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