Abide with Me

Abide with me; fast falls the eventide;

The darkness deepens; Lord with me abide.

When other helpers fail and comforts flee,

Help of the helpless, O abide with me.

Swift to its close ebbs out life's little day;

Earth's joys grow dim; its glories pass away;

Change and decay in all around I see;

O Thou who changest not, abide with me.

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,

And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,

Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.

On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

I need Thy presence every passing hour.

What but Thy grace can foil the tempter's power?

Who, like Thyself, my guide and stay can be?

Through cloud and sunshine, Lord, abide with me.

I fear no foe, with Thee at hand to bless;

Ills have no weight, and tears no bitterness.

Where is death's sting? Where, grave, thy victory?

I triumph still, if Thou abide with me.

Hold Thou Thy cross before my closing eyes;

Shine through the gloom and point me to the skies.

Heaven's morning breaks, and earth's vain shadows flee;

In life, in death, O Lord, abide with me.

We sang this hymn this morning in church, and it almost made me cry. Every week, we sing at least one song that contains so much passion, humility and truth that I get goosebumps singing the lyrics. I really love hymns, for the most part. I suppose some of them have pretty boring melodies, though I can name about 15 that are lovely even from a musical perspective... but the lyrics! I often wish I had words like those to offer up. It's like reading from Psalms, accept that they rhyme, and were written in English, so that the rhythm flows more naturally. There is often more Biblically sound, heart-wrenching theology to be found in hymns than in the average American sermon. I should probably clarify that most of the pastors I know today do not give average American sermons. I'm talking about sermons given by the many pastors who are afraid to speak the truth, to congregations that are poisoned either by tolerance or by legalism. This morning's sermon was far from average. Every time I see a topic like parenting or marriage on the bulletin, I think that I won't be directly applicable to me.  Thus far, I am always mistaken. 

Holidays tend to make me look back, measuring my current state by where I was a year ago and the years before that. Ordinarily, this retrospection leads to nostalgia at best. Gloominess is not uncommon. This is especially true on Mother's Day, which many of you know is among my top 3 least favorite days of the year. This was the first Mother's Day since 2004 that I have not dreaded going to a church service. For a while, I dreaded going to church at all, for multiple reasons, but on Mother's Day it was always especially difficult to muster the courage to face a "church crowd" comprised of happy faces who still have mothers, and among whom I never felt comfortable. That fear and anger did not begin to subside until God had dragged me, kicking and screaming, into the church He intended for me. Eventually, I found that I couldn't stay away. In all the changes God has made to my heart these past two years, His favorite tools have been sermons I've heard there. Last Mother's Day was still difficult, but not worthless. This morning, everything felt different. I could not wait to get to my church. I cheerfully sang the first two verses of "Abide with Me", having no idea what was coming. Then we reached the 3rd verse:

Thou on my head in early youth didst smile,

And though rebellious and perverse meanwhile,

Thou hast not left me, oft as I left Thee.

On to the close, O Lord, abide with me.

That's when I felt myself choking up. I can hardly believe what God has done in the past couple of years - what He did long before that, while I was still too ignorant and stubborn to pay attention. Again and again, I asked Him to change my circumstances, to give me "happiness" as I understood it. What He wanted to give me was Himself.